Perspective

I recently spent a weekend at the beach for the first time this summer.  As I sat on the beach, I reexperienced how calming it is to watch the waves break on the sand and listen to the sound of the surf.  Anxieties seem to drop away with each  crashing wave.  Later I was thinking that one of the benefits of being at the seashore is that it gives you perspective.  Being so close to the enormity of the ocean can make individual problems seem smaller, while the rhythm of  the waves relaxes one’s breathing for further physical relaxation.

Perspective is a crucial element to a sense of well-being. 

I recently spent a weekend at the beach for the first time this summer. As I sat on the beach, I reexperienced how calming it is to watch the waves break on the sand and listen to the sound of the surf. Anxieties seem to drop away with each crashing wave. Later I was thinking that one of the benefits of being at the seashore is that it gives you perspective. Being so close to the enormity of the ocean can make individual problems seem smaller, while the rhythm of the waves relaxes one’s breathing for further physical relaxation.

Perspective is a crucial element to a sense of well-being. It allows us to discern between big problems that require attention and smaller issues that don’t deserve the angst they sometimes initiate. Growing up, it’s almost impossible not to internalize distorted perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. In psychotherapy, part of the work is to recognize these distortions and put them in perspective. The greater self-knowledge that results allows for greater happiness and less stress.

I have also found, in working with couples, that the ability to look at things from the other’s perspective is one of the keys to better communication. It’s the underpinning of empathy. Without perspective, we often make the wrong assumptions about another’s intentions, and this can lead to confusion and conflict.

So spend some time at the beach this summer if you get the chance. It’s a good place to start.

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Overreacting

There is no such thing as an overreaction. I know that may sound odd to most of you reading this, since you can probably think of many instances when you or someone around you has “overreacted” to something or taken something the wrong way. Actually, you’re simply (or complexly) reacting to something else instead of what seems to be going on on the surface.

Take an example of a husband and wife in couples therapy. They’re recounting an argument to the psychotherapist that occurred earlier in the week.

There is no such thing as an overreaction. I know that may sound odd to most of you reading this, since you can probably think of many instances when you or someone around you has “overreacted” to something or taken something the wrong way. Actually, you’re simply (or complexly) reacting to something else instead of what seems to be going on on the surface.

Take an example of a husband and wife in couples therapy. They’re recounting an argument to the psychotherapist that occurred earlier in the week. The wife’s birthday was coming up and they were out with some friends. She overheard her husband speaking to a couple of their friends about all the plans he was making for her birthday party. She leaned over and said to her husband, with anger, “We’re going to have to talk about this party later.” He felt hurt by her tone and angry that she wasn’t feeling spontaneous and happy about the party, especially since he was doing it for her. He felt she had overreacted.

As the couples counselor dug deeper below the surface with them, the wife revealed that when she was growing up, her mother had always planned elaborate birthday parties for her without any regard for the daughter’s wishes. The parties turned into big events for the mother to show off her hostess abilities, but the daughter always had a miserable time, feeling completely left out. So when she heard her husband planning her birthday party, it felt like a retraumatization of her early birthday experiences. Her feelings of anger toward her husband were layered up with memories of hurt and anger towards her mother.

These kinds of unconscious reactions are very common, and they often lead to misunderstandings and escalating conflicts. But the more you understand your own unconscious conflicts and issues, the better you can separate out what is an appropriate reaction to what’s going on in the moment, and which of the feelings getting stirred up are actually residues of past conflicts. The psychoanalytic form of psychotherapy concentrates on understanding the individual’s underlying conflicts and helping to resolve them so that all the old feelings aren’t brought to bear on current situations. It’s one of the keys to greater harmony.

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Not a Dress Rehearsal...

A smart woman said to me years ago, when I was stuck in ambivalence, “this is not a dress rehearsal.” My life was being lived in a state of indecision, as if waiting for the opening night curtain to rise. At the root of this indecision for me, as is common for many people, was a deep sense of ambivalence.

Ambivalence is not about not knowing what you want.

A smart woman said to me years ago, when I was stuck in ambivalence, “this is not a dress rehearsal.” My life was being lived in a state of indecision, as if waiting for the opening night curtain to rise. At the root of this indecision for me, as is common for many people, was a deep sense of ambivalence.

Ambivalence is not about not knowing what you want. It’s really about wanting two opposite things at the same time; or having two opposing feelings simultaneously. Hence the feeling of being stuck. If you move toward one desire, you’re moving away from the opposite desire.

Another aspect of ambivalence, at the feeling level, is the experience of feeling both love and hate for the same person. While sometimes this is clear on the surface, often one or the other feeling is repressed (kept out of consciousness). This can lead to behavior that seems unexplainable. For example, hurting someone you apparently feel only love for. When feelings stay hidden, they remain unresolved.

Psychotherapy can help you work through ambivalence, as it did for me. It is not always easy, and it can take time, but the result is rewarding: a much clearer sense of who you are and what you want. Then you can get past the dress rehearsal and take the center stage of your life.

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The First Session

New patients are often unsure what to expect in the first session, how to behave, what to say. There can be anxiety about starting a new process and opening up to someone you’re meeting for the first time.

The first session is an opportunity for both the therapist and the patient to get a sense of each other and whether they can work well together.

New patients are often unsure what to expect in the first session, how to behave, what to say. There can be anxiety about starting a new process and opening up to someone you’re meeting for the first time.

The first session is an opportunity for both the therapist and the patient to get a sense of each other and whether they can work well together. As the patient, you want to see how comfortable you feel in the presence of the therapist. You are not expected to trust the therapist completely from the beginning, but you should be able to have a sense of him or her as someone you could trust over time. The psychotherapist is trying to get an overall sense of a new patient in the first session – what crisis or other issues they’re dealing with currently, what their life is like, how they view themselves, and perhaps some background about their childhood and recent past.

It’s ok to ask questions of the therapist. What is her background and training? What is his style of working? What types of patients does she work with? These types of questions will give you a better sense of the therapist’s perspective and experience. It can be a relief to unburden yourself of the things you’ve been dealing with on your own, and you want to have a sense that the therapist understands and can work with you to help you make the changes you want in your life.

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Corporations as Dysfunctional Families

Stress in the workplace is not just due to staff cuts, tight deadlines, and limited resources. There is also a subtler, pervasive factor contributing to employees’ stress. That is the underlying dynamic of the corporation and the individuals that make it up. I think of corporations as big dysfunctional families. The CEO is the admired and feared parent. Coworkers are siblings, complete with rivalry.

Stress in the workplace is not just due to staff cuts, tight deadlines, and limited resources. There is also a subtler, pervasive factor contributing to employees’ stress. That is the underlying dynamic of the corporation and the individuals that make it up. I think of corporations as big dysfunctional families. The CEO is the admired and feared parent. Coworkers are siblings, complete with rivalry.

In his book, The Psychodynamics of Work and Organizations (1993, Guilford Press), William Czander states: “Because the organization is a hierarchical system, it closely resembles the family structure, and the competitive nature of work requires that one continuously move up or ahead and achieve the top position. Psychodynamically, all employees want to be the favored child of the idealized leader, and all want to take the leader’s place. Jealousy of the leader’s power, perks, and position often precipitates an array of affects, most of which are prohibited and not expressed.”

Because these feelings cannot be expressed, they often come out in other ways. For example, one member of a team undermines another’s efforts, even though both team members would be best served by working together cooperatively to achieve their goals. Gossip and rumors are other common ways that employees compete and undermine each other. As in families, the CEO/parent often doesn’t see everything that’s going on amongst the employees. Favoritism exists, and can lead to further jealousy and bitterness.

Conversely, almost all human beings seek connection with others and fear loneliness and abandonment. But sometimes these underlying fears and desires lead to behaviors which actually push others away. Sometimes we actually invite the thing we fear most.

Sometimes corporations need psychotherapy as much as individuals do.

If you have work stories you’d like to share, I’ll respond with my thoughts on some of the underlying dynamics.

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Separating Feelings from Actions

How often do you hear people say “you shouldn’t feel like that…” Maybe you even say it to yourself. What these kinds of statements imply is that you can and should control your feelings on a regular basis. However, it is enormously difficult to carry out. And it may not even be wise to deny or repress your feelings. They don’t go away, they just get pushed down only to come up in some other way, such as somatic symptoms, depression, anxiety, or sleeplessness.

How often do you hear people say “you shouldn’t feel like that…” Maybe you even say it to yourself. What these kinds of statements imply is that you can and should control your feelings on a regular basis. However, it is enormously difficult to carry out. And it may not even be wise to deny or repress your feelings. They don’t go away, they just get pushed down only to come up in some other way, such as somatic symptoms, depression, anxiety, or sleeplessness.

A common misconception underlying the belief that feelings are to be controlled is the idea that feelings and actions are somehow inseparable. In fact, the more you think of them as completely separate, the freer you are to feel your feelings as they arise. Then you can decide how or if you want to act on them. It’s a liberating concept because you no longer have to expend a lot of psychic energy keeping your feelings beneath the surface. And, by choosing separately how to act on those feelings, you can reduce relationship conflicts as well.

Anger is a good example. Imagine feeling really angry at your spouse because he or she has forgotten something that’s important to you. That is a natural feeling. However, if you step back before creating a fight, you may realize that your spouse has been particularly stressed at work lately and worried about losing his or her job given the economic climate. In those circumstances, it can be easier to forget even important family events. With that in mind you can choose to have a more constructive conversation with your spouse, letting him know that you’re disappointed he forgot the event, but you also understand the extra stress he’s under at the moment. That will raise the issue without putting him on the defensive.

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Managing Relationship Conflicts

One of the main concerns I hear from patients is how to handle stress and conflicts in relationships. Why is it that sometimes it’s hardest to get along with the people with whom you’re most interested in having harmony? We all have ways of dealing with stress in relationships, and to complicate matters further, these styles can sometimes conflict in ways that exacerbate the problem.

One of the main concerns I hear from patients is how to handle stress and conflicts in relationships. Why is it that sometimes it’s hardest to get along with the people with whom you’re most interested in having harmony? We all have ways of dealing with stress in relationships, and to complicate matters further, these styles can sometimes conflict in ways that exacerbate the problem.

Some common conflict styles include:
o Avoidance. This can involve not bringing up problems at all until resentment has grown too strong, and then exploding in a way that doesn’t invite communication.
o Need to be right. Without realizing it, conflicts get reduced to the idea that someone is right and someone is wrong. Then all the energy goes into proving that you’re right and the other person is wrong, which leaves no grounds for effective communication or compromise.
o Overgeneralizing. If you’re often starting sentences with “you always…” or “you never…”, you’re probably incorrect and putting the other person on the defensive, often a communication killer. This often includes bringing up past conflicts, which can confuse the current issue under discussion.
o Not listening. How many times have you been in a conversation where you find yourself not listening to what the other person is saying because you’re busy planning what you’re going to say next? This can effectively derail communication, turning it instead into a kind of sequential monologue, with both people talking and nobody listening.

It’s important to understand your own style of communication and dealing with conflict as well as that of the person you’re in relationship with. One of the key elements to dealing effectively with conflict is to practice the art of non-defensiveness. This involves listening with an open mind to what the other person is saying and understanding the other person’s point of view.

As a psychotherapist I work with individuals and couples to help improve conflict resolution skills. Contact me at 917-684-6515 or by email at annecutler.psychoanalyst@gmail.com.

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