Overreacting

There is no such thing as an overreaction. I know that may sound odd to most of you reading this, since you can probably think of many instances when you or someone around you has “overreacted” to something or taken something the wrong way. Actually, you’re simply (or complexly) reacting to something else instead of what seems to be going on on the surface.

Take an example of a husband and wife in couples therapy. They’re recounting an argument to the psychotherapist that occurred earlier in the week.

There is no such thing as an overreaction. I know that may sound odd to most of you reading this, since you can probably think of many instances when you or someone around you has “overreacted” to something or taken something the wrong way. Actually, you’re simply (or complexly) reacting to something else instead of what seems to be going on on the surface.

Take an example of a husband and wife in couples therapy. They’re recounting an argument to the psychotherapist that occurred earlier in the week. The wife’s birthday was coming up and they were out with some friends. She overheard her husband speaking to a couple of their friends about all the plans he was making for her birthday party. She leaned over and said to her husband, with anger, “We’re going to have to talk about this party later.” He felt hurt by her tone and angry that she wasn’t feeling spontaneous and happy about the party, especially since he was doing it for her. He felt she had overreacted.

As the couples counselor dug deeper below the surface with them, the wife revealed that when she was growing up, her mother had always planned elaborate birthday parties for her without any regard for the daughter’s wishes. The parties turned into big events for the mother to show off her hostess abilities, but the daughter always had a miserable time, feeling completely left out. So when she heard her husband planning her birthday party, it felt like a retraumatization of her early birthday experiences. Her feelings of anger toward her husband were layered up with memories of hurt and anger towards her mother.

These kinds of unconscious reactions are very common, and they often lead to misunderstandings and escalating conflicts. But the more you understand your own unconscious conflicts and issues, the better you can separate out what is an appropriate reaction to what’s going on in the moment, and which of the feelings getting stirred up are actually residues of past conflicts. The psychoanalytic form of psychotherapy concentrates on understanding the individual’s underlying conflicts and helping to resolve them so that all the old feelings aren’t brought to bear on current situations. It’s one of the keys to greater harmony.

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Separating Feelings from Actions

How often do you hear people say “you shouldn’t feel like that…” Maybe you even say it to yourself. What these kinds of statements imply is that you can and should control your feelings on a regular basis. However, it is enormously difficult to carry out. And it may not even be wise to deny or repress your feelings. They don’t go away, they just get pushed down only to come up in some other way, such as somatic symptoms, depression, anxiety, or sleeplessness.

How often do you hear people say “you shouldn’t feel like that…” Maybe you even say it to yourself. What these kinds of statements imply is that you can and should control your feelings on a regular basis. However, it is enormously difficult to carry out. And it may not even be wise to deny or repress your feelings. They don’t go away, they just get pushed down only to come up in some other way, such as somatic symptoms, depression, anxiety, or sleeplessness.

A common misconception underlying the belief that feelings are to be controlled is the idea that feelings and actions are somehow inseparable. In fact, the more you think of them as completely separate, the freer you are to feel your feelings as they arise. Then you can decide how or if you want to act on them. It’s a liberating concept because you no longer have to expend a lot of psychic energy keeping your feelings beneath the surface. And, by choosing separately how to act on those feelings, you can reduce relationship conflicts as well.

Anger is a good example. Imagine feeling really angry at your spouse because he or she has forgotten something that’s important to you. That is a natural feeling. However, if you step back before creating a fight, you may realize that your spouse has been particularly stressed at work lately and worried about losing his or her job given the economic climate. In those circumstances, it can be easier to forget even important family events. With that in mind you can choose to have a more constructive conversation with your spouse, letting him know that you’re disappointed he forgot the event, but you also understand the extra stress he’s under at the moment. That will raise the issue without putting him on the defensive.

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Managing Relationship Conflicts

One of the main concerns I hear from patients is how to handle stress and conflicts in relationships. Why is it that sometimes it’s hardest to get along with the people with whom you’re most interested in having harmony? We all have ways of dealing with stress in relationships, and to complicate matters further, these styles can sometimes conflict in ways that exacerbate the problem.

One of the main concerns I hear from patients is how to handle stress and conflicts in relationships. Why is it that sometimes it’s hardest to get along with the people with whom you’re most interested in having harmony? We all have ways of dealing with stress in relationships, and to complicate matters further, these styles can sometimes conflict in ways that exacerbate the problem.

Some common conflict styles include:
o Avoidance. This can involve not bringing up problems at all until resentment has grown too strong, and then exploding in a way that doesn’t invite communication.
o Need to be right. Without realizing it, conflicts get reduced to the idea that someone is right and someone is wrong. Then all the energy goes into proving that you’re right and the other person is wrong, which leaves no grounds for effective communication or compromise.
o Overgeneralizing. If you’re often starting sentences with “you always…” or “you never…”, you’re probably incorrect and putting the other person on the defensive, often a communication killer. This often includes bringing up past conflicts, which can confuse the current issue under discussion.
o Not listening. How many times have you been in a conversation where you find yourself not listening to what the other person is saying because you’re busy planning what you’re going to say next? This can effectively derail communication, turning it instead into a kind of sequential monologue, with both people talking and nobody listening.

It’s important to understand your own style of communication and dealing with conflict as well as that of the person you’re in relationship with. One of the key elements to dealing effectively with conflict is to practice the art of non-defensiveness. This involves listening with an open mind to what the other person is saying and understanding the other person’s point of view.

As a psychotherapist I work with individuals and couples to help improve conflict resolution skills. Contact me at 917-684-6515 or by email at annecutler.psychoanalyst@gmail.com.

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What your dreams are telling you

Most psychotherapists love to work with dreams. As Freud said, “dreams are the royal road to the unconscious.” Even if you’re not convinced about Freud, the fact remains that while we’re sleeping we have much greater access to our brains. We can explore our unconscious conflicts, recall distant memories, and create wonderful metaphorical images to explain our inner conflicts. The tricky part is to figure out what your sleeping brain was telling you once you’re awake.

Most psychotherapists love to work with dreams. As Freud said, “dreams are the royal road to the unconscious.” Even if you’re not convinced about Freud, the fact remains that while we’re sleeping we have much greater access to our brains. We can explore our unconscious conflicts, recall distant memories, and create wonderful metaphorical images to explain our inner conflicts. The tricky part is to figure out what your sleeping brain was telling you once you’re awake.

That’s where dream interpretation techniques come in. In general, dreams are triggered by recent events – significant happenings, thoughts, conversations – that occurred in the day or days before the dream. Then the unconscious links your thoughts and feelings about these events to other thoughts and feelings from your past. Dreams let us know what are anxieties are, what our major inner conflicts and relationship conflicts are about, and so much more.

Anyone can access the meaning of their dreams. A psychotherapist can help because of her training in dream interpretation as well her experience with lots of dreams. I trained for years with a psychoanalyst named Montague Ullman who devoted the last 30 years of his career to developing a group method of dream interpretation. The process involves a group of dreamers meeting once a week or so. In each meeting, one member volunteers a dream and the group then works together to help the dreamer understand his dream. There are a number of steps the group works through to bring out the full meaning of the dream. It is highly effective and almost magical to those involved. It deepens self-knowledge and fosters a true sense of community.

I’ll give more specifics about the method in a future post.

If you’d like to join a dream group in New York City, email me at annecutler.psychoanalyst@gmail.com or call 917.684.6515.

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