Managing Relationship Conflicts

One of the main concerns I hear from patients is how to handle stress and conflicts in relationships. Why is it that sometimes it’s hardest to get along with the people with whom you’re most interested in having harmony? We all have ways of dealing with stress in relationships, and to complicate matters further, these styles can sometimes conflict in ways that exacerbate the problem.

One of the main concerns I hear from patients is how to handle stress and conflicts in relationships. Why is it that sometimes it’s hardest to get along with the people with whom you’re most interested in having harmony? We all have ways of dealing with stress in relationships, and to complicate matters further, these styles can sometimes conflict in ways that exacerbate the problem.

Some common conflict styles include:
o Avoidance. This can involve not bringing up problems at all until resentment has grown too strong, and then exploding in a way that doesn’t invite communication.
o Need to be right. Without realizing it, conflicts get reduced to the idea that someone is right and someone is wrong. Then all the energy goes into proving that you’re right and the other person is wrong, which leaves no grounds for effective communication or compromise.
o Overgeneralizing. If you’re often starting sentences with “you always…” or “you never…”, you’re probably incorrect and putting the other person on the defensive, often a communication killer. This often includes bringing up past conflicts, which can confuse the current issue under discussion.
o Not listening. How many times have you been in a conversation where you find yourself not listening to what the other person is saying because you’re busy planning what you’re going to say next? This can effectively derail communication, turning it instead into a kind of sequential monologue, with both people talking and nobody listening.

It’s important to understand your own style of communication and dealing with conflict as well as that of the person you’re in relationship with. One of the key elements to dealing effectively with conflict is to practice the art of non-defensiveness. This involves listening with an open mind to what the other person is saying and understanding the other person’s point of view.

As a psychotherapist I work with individuals and couples to help improve conflict resolution skills. Contact me at 917-684-6515 or by email at annecutler.psychoanalyst@gmail.com.

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What your dreams are telling you

Most psychotherapists love to work with dreams. As Freud said, “dreams are the royal road to the unconscious.” Even if you’re not convinced about Freud, the fact remains that while we’re sleeping we have much greater access to our brains. We can explore our unconscious conflicts, recall distant memories, and create wonderful metaphorical images to explain our inner conflicts. The tricky part is to figure out what your sleeping brain was telling you once you’re awake.

Most psychotherapists love to work with dreams. As Freud said, “dreams are the royal road to the unconscious.” Even if you’re not convinced about Freud, the fact remains that while we’re sleeping we have much greater access to our brains. We can explore our unconscious conflicts, recall distant memories, and create wonderful metaphorical images to explain our inner conflicts. The tricky part is to figure out what your sleeping brain was telling you once you’re awake.

That’s where dream interpretation techniques come in. In general, dreams are triggered by recent events – significant happenings, thoughts, conversations – that occurred in the day or days before the dream. Then the unconscious links your thoughts and feelings about these events to other thoughts and feelings from your past. Dreams let us know what are anxieties are, what our major inner conflicts and relationship conflicts are about, and so much more.

Anyone can access the meaning of their dreams. A psychotherapist can help because of her training in dream interpretation as well her experience with lots of dreams. I trained for years with a psychoanalyst named Montague Ullman who devoted the last 30 years of his career to developing a group method of dream interpretation. The process involves a group of dreamers meeting once a week or so. In each meeting, one member volunteers a dream and the group then works together to help the dreamer understand his dream. There are a number of steps the group works through to bring out the full meaning of the dream. It is highly effective and almost magical to those involved. It deepens self-knowledge and fosters a true sense of community.

I’ll give more specifics about the method in a future post.

If you’d like to join a dream group in New York City, email me at annecutler.psychoanalyst@gmail.com or call 917.684.6515.

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