Overreacting

There is no such thing as an overreaction. I know that may sound odd to most of you reading this, since you can probably think of many instances when you or someone around you has “overreacted” to something or taken something the wrong way. Actually, you’re simply (or complexly) reacting to something else instead of what seems to be going on on the surface.

Take an example of a husband and wife in couples therapy. They’re recounting an argument to the psychotherapist that occurred earlier in the week.

There is no such thing as an overreaction. I know that may sound odd to most of you reading this, since you can probably think of many instances when you or someone around you has “overreacted” to something or taken something the wrong way. Actually, you’re simply (or complexly) reacting to something else instead of what seems to be going on on the surface.

Take an example of a husband and wife in couples therapy. They’re recounting an argument to the psychotherapist that occurred earlier in the week. The wife’s birthday was coming up and they were out with some friends. She overheard her husband speaking to a couple of their friends about all the plans he was making for her birthday party. She leaned over and said to her husband, with anger, “We’re going to have to talk about this party later.” He felt hurt by her tone and angry that she wasn’t feeling spontaneous and happy about the party, especially since he was doing it for her. He felt she had overreacted.

As the couples counselor dug deeper below the surface with them, the wife revealed that when she was growing up, her mother had always planned elaborate birthday parties for her without any regard for the daughter’s wishes. The parties turned into big events for the mother to show off her hostess abilities, but the daughter always had a miserable time, feeling completely left out. So when she heard her husband planning her birthday party, it felt like a retraumatization of her early birthday experiences. Her feelings of anger toward her husband were layered up with memories of hurt and anger towards her mother.

These kinds of unconscious reactions are very common, and they often lead to misunderstandings and escalating conflicts. But the more you understand your own unconscious conflicts and issues, the better you can separate out what is an appropriate reaction to what’s going on in the moment, and which of the feelings getting stirred up are actually residues of past conflicts. The psychoanalytic form of psychotherapy concentrates on understanding the individual’s underlying conflicts and helping to resolve them so that all the old feelings aren’t brought to bear on current situations. It’s one of the keys to greater harmony.

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The Beauty of Not Knowing

To counteract the anxiety of not knowing, we often invent reasons for events based on whatever small amount of evidence is available. But these reasons are often distortions of reality since much of the situation remains hidden. And what’s worse, they often involve self-recrimination. For example, a person who felt unloved by her father while growing up may explain this as follows: “he doesn’t love me because I’m a bad person and unlovable.” These rationales often occur unconsciously, so that one is not even aware they are being made.

To counteract the anxiety of not knowing, we often invent reasons for events based on whatever small amount of evidence is available. But these reasons are often distortions of reality since much of the situation remains hidden. And what’s worse, they often involve self-recrimination. For example, a person who felt unloved by her father while growing up may explain this as follows: “he doesn’t love me because I’m a bad person and unlovable.” These rationales often occur unconsciously, so that one is not even aware they are being made.

These rationales lead to a mistaken sense of control. “The problem is within me, therefore I have the power to fix it.” Then, as the psyche goes about trying to fix something that may never have been a problem in the first place, further problems occur. The reasoning backfires, often leading to lowered self-esteem, depression, etc.

But, essentially, control is an illusion.

I had a patient whose parents had a nasty divorce when she was a young teenager. The father never communicated why he left, and my patient and her mother’s lives changed dramatically for the worse after the divorce. She was plagued with the unexpectedness of his leaving, feeling she had no warning. Later, as an adult, this patient struggled in her relationships with men. She would fear that a man was going to leave her, even (especially?) if there were no signs that this was going to happen. She would become needy and upset at the end of every date. Unconsciously, she kept believing, “I’m not good enough for him to stay.”

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