Managing Relationship Conflicts

One of the main concerns I hear from patients is how to handle stress and conflicts in relationships. Why is it that sometimes it’s hardest to get along with the people with whom you’re most interested in having harmony? We all have ways of dealing with stress in relationships, and to complicate matters further, these styles can sometimes conflict in ways that exacerbate the problem.

One of the main concerns I hear from patients is how to handle stress and conflicts in relationships. Why is it that sometimes it’s hardest to get along with the people with whom you’re most interested in having harmony? We all have ways of dealing with stress in relationships, and to complicate matters further, these styles can sometimes conflict in ways that exacerbate the problem.

Some common conflict styles include:
o Avoidance. This can involve not bringing up problems at all until resentment has grown too strong, and then exploding in a way that doesn’t invite communication.
o Need to be right. Without realizing it, conflicts get reduced to the idea that someone is right and someone is wrong. Then all the energy goes into proving that you’re right and the other person is wrong, which leaves no grounds for effective communication or compromise.
o Overgeneralizing. If you’re often starting sentences with “you always…” or “you never…”, you’re probably incorrect and putting the other person on the defensive, often a communication killer. This often includes bringing up past conflicts, which can confuse the current issue under discussion.
o Not listening. How many times have you been in a conversation where you find yourself not listening to what the other person is saying because you’re busy planning what you’re going to say next? This can effectively derail communication, turning it instead into a kind of sequential monologue, with both people talking and nobody listening.

It’s important to understand your own style of communication and dealing with conflict as well as that of the person you’re in relationship with. One of the key elements to dealing effectively with conflict is to practice the art of non-defensiveness. This involves listening with an open mind to what the other person is saying and understanding the other person’s point of view.

As a psychotherapist I work with individuals and couples to help improve conflict resolution skills. Contact me at 917-684-6515 or by email at annecutler.psychoanalyst@gmail.com.

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Why New Year's Resolutions Fail

I had lunch with a friend soon after the new year, and she told me with chagrin that by January 3rd she’d already broken the new year’s resolution she set for herself. Although she may have broken her resolution unusually quickly, she’s not alone. The majority of people who make resolutions don’t keep them.

I had lunch with a friend soon after the new year, and she told me with chagrin that by January 3rd she’d already broken the new year’s resolution she set for herself. Although she may have broken her resolution unusually quickly, she’s not alone. The majority of people who make resolutions don’t keep them.

Research has shown that after one month 36% of resolutions have already been broken, and after 6 months, 54% have been broken. This cycle of resolving to change and then not being able to can lead to lower self-esteem and feelings of depression. You started the new year out full of resolve and feeling optimistic. Then within weeks or months you’ve reverted to the behaviors you were trying to change. Now you add the self-recrimination of having failed at what you promised yourself to do. Optimism can be replaced by pessimism and a sense of frustration.

Change is difficult. And certain kinds of change are more difficult than others. Among the most common new year’s resolutions people make are: lose weight, exercise to get in shape, quit smoking, stop drinking, get out of debt, spend more time with family and friends. Each of these resolutions involves significant change in entrenched habits and ways of life. And each issue involves a complex set of underlying issues to be resolved if change is to be maintained.

As a psychotherapist, I have worked with many patients over the years who enter therapy wanting desperately to change some aspect or aspects of their lives. People want to be happier, they want to feel less stressed. They want to get out of a bad relationship. They want to find and build a good relationship. But change, even good change, involves some discomfort. The part of the self that wants to avoid that discomfort fights against change.

So what’s to be done? In psychotherapy, people get support for understanding why they do what they do, and then in creating change in the desired direction. Getting support is a key ingredient to succeeding in keeping your resolutions. Secondly, there’s an underlying assumption that the magic of entering a new year will in and of itself power the change. But really, January 2nd is only 2 days after December 31st. The main thing that the change of years does is to strengthen intent. But without a specific plan for change, intent won’t be enough.

So, go ahead, make a resolution. But don’t forget to make a plan and get support!

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Coping with Financial Uncertainty

Financial uncertainty has become a major cause of stress in the US and around the world. Every day, the news blasts more reports of doom and gloom. If you haven’t personally lost your job or savings, you probably know somebody who has. So no one is immune from the stress and anxiety of financial insecurity in these times.
How do you keep from being overcome by these fears?
Here are some ways you can manage the stress...

Financial uncertainty has become a major cause of stress in the US and around the world. Every day, the news blasts more reports of doom and gloom. If you haven’t personally lost your job or savings, you probably know somebody who has. So no one is immune from the stress and anxiety of financial insecurity in these times.

How do you keep from being overcome by these fears?

Here are some ways you can manage the stress so that you can continue to enjoy life and make good decisions for moving forward:
¸ Think long term. When you’re feeling particularly anxious, all your thoughts and emotions tend to focus in the current moment in a negative way. Remind yourself to think over the long term. Life is full of ups and downs, and so is the economy. In fact, there are predictable economic cycles, so you can be relatively certain that what’s down now will eventually go back up.
¸ Breathe. It’s that simple. Anxiety affects your body so that you feel physical symptoms such as shortness of breath, headaches, stomachaches, etc. These physical symptoms in turn can increase your sense of stress. But if you do things to relax your body – deep breathing, exercise, meditation – your state of mind will improve too.
¸ Take action. If you’re worried about losing your job, investigate ways you can make yourself more valuable at work. If you need to find a job, spend time researching your field to find out the best direction to take. Make a schedule for yourself so that you’re doing something positive in this direction every day. Inaction simply adds to the overall anxiety.
¸ Don’t isolate. Tap into whatever network of friends, family, and colleagues you have. In the current economy, you are not alone in feeling the stress. Talking with others who are going through the same thing is enormously helpful in reducing feelings of isolation and improving your mood. And, it can lead to concrete shared ideas of how to find a job or invest your savings.
¸ Take time to do the things you enjoy. When you’re overwhelmed by a stressful situation, it’s easy to forget to have some fun. But diversion from anxiety can restore perspective and lessen the stress overall, giving you energy to focus on useful solutions. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine!

Please add comments with your ideas for reducing stress in tough financial times.

I can help.  Contact me at:  917.684.6515 or by email at annecutler.psychoanalyst@gmail.com.

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