Hope

I was in Washington DC among the crowd of nearly 2 million people present to witness the swearing in of our new president, Barack Obama. It was a bitterly cold day, and yet people came to the Mall that day before the sun came up to wait on long lines for the privilege of being part of this moment in history. There was a feeling of excitement and happiness and optimism in the cold air.

I was in Washington DC among the crowd of nearly 2 million people present to witness the swearing in of our new president, Barack Obama. It was a bitterly cold day, and yet people came to the Mall that day before the sun came up to wait on long lines for the privilege of being part of this moment in history. There was a feeling of excitement and happiness and optimism in the cold air.

As I listened to Obama’s inaugural address, I started thinking about his campaign message of hope in the face of all the difficulties we’re facing in this country right now. Financial instability, war, lack of health insurance, lack of trust in government brought about by the George W. years… all conspire to make us feel down. And yet, all 2 million of us were sitting there in the freezing cold feeling hopeful.

Hopelessness is one of the components of depression. When someone is feeling depressed, she often can’t think of anything to feel hopeful about. This can contribute to the pervasive feeling of paralysis in depression. But finding even one thing to feel hopeful about can start to turn the tide of depression. Therapy can provide that sense of hope, that change is possible, and that someone can help you.

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Why New Year's Resolutions Fail

I had lunch with a friend soon after the new year, and she told me with chagrin that by January 3rd she’d already broken the new year’s resolution she set for herself. Although she may have broken her resolution unusually quickly, she’s not alone. The majority of people who make resolutions don’t keep them.

I had lunch with a friend soon after the new year, and she told me with chagrin that by January 3rd she’d already broken the new year’s resolution she set for herself. Although she may have broken her resolution unusually quickly, she’s not alone. The majority of people who make resolutions don’t keep them.

Research has shown that after one month 36% of resolutions have already been broken, and after 6 months, 54% have been broken. This cycle of resolving to change and then not being able to can lead to lower self-esteem and feelings of depression. You started the new year out full of resolve and feeling optimistic. Then within weeks or months you’ve reverted to the behaviors you were trying to change. Now you add the self-recrimination of having failed at what you promised yourself to do. Optimism can be replaced by pessimism and a sense of frustration.

Change is difficult. And certain kinds of change are more difficult than others. Among the most common new year’s resolutions people make are: lose weight, exercise to get in shape, quit smoking, stop drinking, get out of debt, spend more time with family and friends. Each of these resolutions involves significant change in entrenched habits and ways of life. And each issue involves a complex set of underlying issues to be resolved if change is to be maintained.

As a psychotherapist, I have worked with many patients over the years who enter therapy wanting desperately to change some aspect or aspects of their lives. People want to be happier, they want to feel less stressed. They want to get out of a bad relationship. They want to find and build a good relationship. But change, even good change, involves some discomfort. The part of the self that wants to avoid that discomfort fights against change.

So what’s to be done? In psychotherapy, people get support for understanding why they do what they do, and then in creating change in the desired direction. Getting support is a key ingredient to succeeding in keeping your resolutions. Secondly, there’s an underlying assumption that the magic of entering a new year will in and of itself power the change. But really, January 2nd is only 2 days after December 31st. The main thing that the change of years does is to strengthen intent. But without a specific plan for change, intent won’t be enough.

So, go ahead, make a resolution. But don’t forget to make a plan and get support!

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Coping with Financial Uncertainty

Financial uncertainty has become a major cause of stress in the US and around the world. Every day, the news blasts more reports of doom and gloom. If you haven’t personally lost your job or savings, you probably know somebody who has. So no one is immune from the stress and anxiety of financial insecurity in these times.
How do you keep from being overcome by these fears?
Here are some ways you can manage the stress...

Financial uncertainty has become a major cause of stress in the US and around the world. Every day, the news blasts more reports of doom and gloom. If you haven’t personally lost your job or savings, you probably know somebody who has. So no one is immune from the stress and anxiety of financial insecurity in these times.

How do you keep from being overcome by these fears?

Here are some ways you can manage the stress so that you can continue to enjoy life and make good decisions for moving forward:
¸ Think long term. When you’re feeling particularly anxious, all your thoughts and emotions tend to focus in the current moment in a negative way. Remind yourself to think over the long term. Life is full of ups and downs, and so is the economy. In fact, there are predictable economic cycles, so you can be relatively certain that what’s down now will eventually go back up.
¸ Breathe. It’s that simple. Anxiety affects your body so that you feel physical symptoms such as shortness of breath, headaches, stomachaches, etc. These physical symptoms in turn can increase your sense of stress. But if you do things to relax your body – deep breathing, exercise, meditation – your state of mind will improve too.
¸ Take action. If you’re worried about losing your job, investigate ways you can make yourself more valuable at work. If you need to find a job, spend time researching your field to find out the best direction to take. Make a schedule for yourself so that you’re doing something positive in this direction every day. Inaction simply adds to the overall anxiety.
¸ Don’t isolate. Tap into whatever network of friends, family, and colleagues you have. In the current economy, you are not alone in feeling the stress. Talking with others who are going through the same thing is enormously helpful in reducing feelings of isolation and improving your mood. And, it can lead to concrete shared ideas of how to find a job or invest your savings.
¸ Take time to do the things you enjoy. When you’re overwhelmed by a stressful situation, it’s easy to forget to have some fun. But diversion from anxiety can restore perspective and lessen the stress overall, giving you energy to focus on useful solutions. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine!

Please add comments with your ideas for reducing stress in tough financial times.

I can help.  Contact me at:  917.684.6515 or by email at annecutler.psychoanalyst@gmail.com.

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The Beauty of Not Knowing

To counteract the anxiety of not knowing, we often invent reasons for events based on whatever small amount of evidence is available. But these reasons are often distortions of reality since much of the situation remains hidden. And what’s worse, they often involve self-recrimination. For example, a person who felt unloved by her father while growing up may explain this as follows: “he doesn’t love me because I’m a bad person and unlovable.” These rationales often occur unconsciously, so that one is not even aware they are being made.

To counteract the anxiety of not knowing, we often invent reasons for events based on whatever small amount of evidence is available. But these reasons are often distortions of reality since much of the situation remains hidden. And what’s worse, they often involve self-recrimination. For example, a person who felt unloved by her father while growing up may explain this as follows: “he doesn’t love me because I’m a bad person and unlovable.” These rationales often occur unconsciously, so that one is not even aware they are being made.

These rationales lead to a mistaken sense of control. “The problem is within me, therefore I have the power to fix it.” Then, as the psyche goes about trying to fix something that may never have been a problem in the first place, further problems occur. The reasoning backfires, often leading to lowered self-esteem, depression, etc.

But, essentially, control is an illusion.

I had a patient whose parents had a nasty divorce when she was a young teenager. The father never communicated why he left, and my patient and her mother’s lives changed dramatically for the worse after the divorce. She was plagued with the unexpectedness of his leaving, feeling she had no warning. Later, as an adult, this patient struggled in her relationships with men. She would fear that a man was going to leave her, even (especially?) if there were no signs that this was going to happen. She would become needy and upset at the end of every date. Unconsciously, she kept believing, “I’m not good enough for him to stay.”

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