Separating Feelings from Actions

How often do you hear people say “you shouldn’t feel like that…” Maybe you even say it to yourself. What these kinds of statements imply is that you can and should control your feelings on a regular basis. However, it is enormously difficult to carry out. And it may not even be wise to deny or repress your feelings. They don’t go away, they just get pushed down only to come up in some other way, such as somatic symptoms, depression, anxiety, or sleeplessness.

How often do you hear people say “you shouldn’t feel like that…” Maybe you even say it to yourself. What these kinds of statements imply is that you can and should control your feelings on a regular basis. However, it is enormously difficult to carry out. And it may not even be wise to deny or repress your feelings. They don’t go away, they just get pushed down only to come up in some other way, such as somatic symptoms, depression, anxiety, or sleeplessness.

A common misconception underlying the belief that feelings are to be controlled is the idea that feelings and actions are somehow inseparable. In fact, the more you think of them as completely separate, the freer you are to feel your feelings as they arise. Then you can decide how or if you want to act on them. It’s a liberating concept because you no longer have to expend a lot of psychic energy keeping your feelings beneath the surface. And, by choosing separately how to act on those feelings, you can reduce relationship conflicts as well.

Anger is a good example. Imagine feeling really angry at your spouse because he or she has forgotten something that’s important to you. That is a natural feeling. However, if you step back before creating a fight, you may realize that your spouse has been particularly stressed at work lately and worried about losing his or her job given the economic climate. In those circumstances, it can be easier to forget even important family events. With that in mind you can choose to have a more constructive conversation with your spouse, letting him know that you’re disappointed he forgot the event, but you also understand the extra stress he’s under at the moment. That will raise the issue without putting him on the defensive.