The Beauty of Not Knowing

To counteract the anxiety of not knowing, we often invent reasons for events based on whatever small amount of evidence is available. But these reasons are often distortions of reality since much of the situation remains hidden. And what’s worse, they often involve self-recrimination. For example, a person who felt unloved by her father while growing up may explain this as follows: “he doesn’t love me because I’m a bad person and unlovable.” These rationales often occur unconsciously, so that one is not even aware they are being made.

To counteract the anxiety of not knowing, we often invent reasons for events based on whatever small amount of evidence is available. But these reasons are often distortions of reality since much of the situation remains hidden. And what’s worse, they often involve self-recrimination. For example, a person who felt unloved by her father while growing up may explain this as follows: “he doesn’t love me because I’m a bad person and unlovable.” These rationales often occur unconsciously, so that one is not even aware they are being made.

These rationales lead to a mistaken sense of control. “The problem is within me, therefore I have the power to fix it.” Then, as the psyche goes about trying to fix something that may never have been a problem in the first place, further problems occur. The reasoning backfires, often leading to lowered self-esteem, depression, etc.

But, essentially, control is an illusion.

I had a patient whose parents had a nasty divorce when she was a young teenager. The father never communicated why he left, and my patient and her mother’s lives changed dramatically for the worse after the divorce. She was plagued with the unexpectedness of his leaving, feeling she had no warning. Later, as an adult, this patient struggled in her relationships with men. She would fear that a man was going to leave her, even (especially?) if there were no signs that this was going to happen. She would become needy and upset at the end of every date. Unconsciously, she kept believing, “I’m not good enough for him to stay.”